DO TEENAGERS NEED BOUNDARIES ????????????????

Do your teenagers really want boundaries? While I’m sure they will never seriously say to you, “Can you please add some more restrictions to my life?” they really do want to know what’s expected of them and what the consequences of violating boundaries will be. In homes where parents set clear boundaries for their kids’ behavior, kids are actually less likely to rebel – especially when parents take the time to discuss their expectations with them. Why would your kids want you to set boundaries for them in the first place? Let me give you five reasons.

1. Boundaries provide a sense of comfort.  When kids clearly know what is expected from them, the result is a sense of comfort. They don’t have to be concerned regarding what you may or may not require of them behaviorally – or fear that you will constantly change the rules.

2. Boundaries provide a sense of security.  Kids really do want to know what is right and what is wrong. They want some guidance in navigating life. Teenagers will still test the limits from time to time, but clear boundaries provide the stability and security that will allow them to thrive.

3. Boundaries mark out the “playing field” for freedom. Imagine two teams playing football – but without the playing field being marked in any way. Imagine the players having no way to tell what was “in bounds” or what was “out of bounds”. In the game of football, a marked playing field is foundational to playing the game. On a marked playing field, players know where their boundaries are. Similarly, kids want their parents to set clear boundaries for them so they can know their “playing field” – where they can roam freely “in bounds”. Boundaries, in this way, actually create freedom – and teenagers want to be able to experience and learn to handle freedom within the boundaries that have been created.

4. Most teenagers don’t really want to be totally free and responsible for themselves at this point in their lives. Kids who have no boundaries and are completely on their own regarding behavioral decisions tend to feel isolated and are at risk for giving into peer pressure. Kids whose parents have set clear boundaries for them, experience freedom within the boundaries and can use these boundaries as reasons to say no to inappropriate behaviors. Generally, kids who have clear boundaries simply fare better behaviorally than those kids who don’t have clear boundaries.

5. Kids want to gain their parents’ trust – the trust that results from living within clear boundaries. Trust is a vitally important issue for teenagers. They aren’t dumb. They know that having your trust is the pathway to greater freedom and ultimately to adult independence. Kids who don’t have clear boundaries experience greater difficulties earning their parents’ trust because they are left to themselves to make behavioral decisions that may or may not turn out to be acceptable. On the other hand, kids who have clear boundaries and live within those boundaries understand that they are regularly making deposits into your “trust” account. This, of course, doesn’t mean that kids with boundaries don’t ever violate those boundaries or ever struggle with earning or regaining trust with their parents. Most do from time to time. Still, with boundaries in place, your kids will have a greater understanding of how to build trust with you.

SPARK

 the spark within you that makes you feel truly alive today. Today I am going to talk about keeping the spark shining. Or to put it another way, how to be happy most, if not all the time.

Where do these sparks start? I think we are born with them

People whose spark has faded too much are dull, dejected, aimless and bitter. Remember Kareena in the first half of Jab We Met vs the second half? That is what happens when the spark is lost.   So how to save the spark?

To nurture, always have goals. It is human nature to strive, improve and achieve full potential. In fact, that is success. It is what is possible for you. It isn’t any external measure – a certain cost to company pay package, a particular car or house.

Most of us are from middle class families. To us, having material landmarks is success and rightly so. When you have grown up where money constraints force everyday choices, financial freedom is a big achievement. But it isn’t the purpose of life. If that was the case, Mr. Ambani would not show up for work. Shah Rukh Khan would stay at home and not dance anymore. Steve Jobs won’t be working hard to make a better iPhone, as he sold Pixar for billions of dollars already. Why do they do it? What makes them come to work everyday? They do it because it makes them happy. They do it because it makes them feel alive Just getting better from current levels feels good. If you study hard, you can improve your rank. If you make an effort to interact with people, you will do better in interviews. If you practice, your cricket will get better. You may also know that you cannot become Tendulkar, yet. But you can get to the next level. Striving for that next level is important.

Nature designed with a random set of genes and circumstances in which we were born. To be happy, we have to accept it and make the most of nature’s design. Are you? Goals will help you do that. I must add, don’t just have career or academic goals. Set goals to give you a balanced, successful life.

Disappointment will come when your effort does not give you the expected return. If things don’t go as planned or if you face failure. Failure is extremely difficult to handle, but those that do come out stronger. What did this failure teach me? After knowing that i will fail in PCC i was about to leave my career but after clearing 1st group mind told me just give a try hope this time again there will some magic like before.

Some students kill themselves over low grades – how silly is that? But that is how much failure can hurt you. But it’s life. If challenges could always be overcome, they would cease to be a challenge. And remember – if you are failing at something, that means you are at your limit or potential. And that’s where you want to be.

Disappointment’ s cousin is  Frustration, the second storm.  Have you ever been frustrated? It happens when things are stuck. This is especially relevant in India. From traffic jams to getting that job you deserve, sometimes things take so long that you don’t know if you chose the right goal. 

rustration saps excitement, and turns your initial energy into something negative, making you a bitter person. How did I deal with it? A realistic assessment of the time involved – movies take a long time to make even though they are watched quickly, seeking a certain enjoyment in the process rather than the end result – at least I was learning how to write scripts, having a side plan 

Unfairness – this is hardest to deal with, but unfortunately that is how our country works. People with connections, rich dads, beautiful faces, pedigree find it easier to make it – not just in Bollywood, but everywhere. And sometimes it is just plain luck. There are so few opportunities in India, so many stars need to be aligned for you to make it happen. Merit and hard work is not always linked to achievement in the short term, but the long term correlation is high, and ultimately things do work out. But realize, there will be some people luckier than you. In fact, to have an opportunity to go to college and understand this speech in English means you are pretty damm lucky by Indian standards. Let’s be grateful for what we have and get the strength to accept what we don’t.

Finally, the last point that can kill your spark is Isolation. As you grow older you will realize you are unique. When you are little, all kids want Ice cream and Spiderman. As you grow older to college, you still are a lot like your friends. But ten years later and you realize you are unique. What you want, what you believe in, what makes you feel, may be different from even the people closest to you. This can create conflict as your goals may not match with others. And you may drop some of them. Basketball captains in college invariably stop playing basketball by the time they have their second child. They give up something that meant so much to them. They do it for their family. But in doing that, the spark dies. Never, ever make that compromise. Love yourself first, and then others.

There you go. I’ve told you the four thunderstorms – disappointment, frustration, unfairness and isolation. You cannot avoid them, as like the monsoon they will come into your life at regular intervals. You just need to keep the raincoat handy to not let the spark die.